Holy Matrimony?
Toward a biblical view of vow-officiating for unbelievers -or- Sam holds a lightning rod aloft
Posted
Saturday, June 18, 2005
by
Sam Yeiter
I hope to begin a dialogue on the question of marrying those outside the Church. I hold a double standard, expecting one thing of unbelievers and something probably quite different for believers. In this post i will only address the former. I look forward to a vibrant discussion.
I've been a pastor for about six years now...hardly a veteran...but i've seen quite a bit already. For the most part, my ministry has been with, among, and toward believers. And i think this is quite normal (i can defend this in a later postâ¦someoneâs going to tell me that Timothy was instructed to do the work of an evangelistâ¦.). A primary exception has been in the area of matrimony. Here, my largest number of requests has come from those outside the Church. And every story is different. Most have been divorced, some seemed faultless, and others were definitely to blame. Even more are having pre-marital sex or are openly living together.
When i was a young pastor, i held that since marriage is to be a symbol of Christ and the Church (see Ephesians 5:21-33), i would only officiate over the vows of those i felt actually did justice to that symbol. That ruled out a good bit of marriages. I didn't marry unbelievers (obviously not a very good picture of Christ and the Church). I wouldn't marry anyone who had been divorced (Matthew 5:31). And I wouldn't marry believers who wanted to marry unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14)...and who knows...there might have been others that i wouldn't marry.
However, as i began my current ministry (yes, i've done my part to try to raise the average head pastoral ministry length back up to the five year mark...i think its currently at 4 years/ministry), i was asked by a trustee to officiate over the marital vows of some good friends of his. This put me in the awkward position of having to re-evaluate my position on marriage. I didn't want to just cave with regard to my standards...but i also didn't want to jeopardize my new relationship with my friend and trustee. Until now i was very happy to not marry people (it is quite a hassle). That was about to change.
As i began my new look at marriage, i really did try to throw myself back into the text...i was willing to tell them no, but i wasn't looking forward to it. One of the first things i re-realized is that marriage is not a Christian invention. Indulge me as i quote from the homily i gave at the recent wedding i did for a couple outside the Church.
Our day begins about six thousand years ago in a garden for which we all longâ¦the Garden of Eden. I believe there was such a place, and that it was there God created man out of the dust of the earth and his breath. The first story of humanity is pretty humorous. Picture Adam, just created, standing thereâ¦he wants to take in the sights of this new world. He looks like a tourist (except heâs naked). Heâs got the fanny pack on, and the camera out. Heâs almost out the door when God puts him to work. His first job? Name all the animals. So he gets to work: bullâ¦cow, buckâ¦doe, lionâ¦lioness⦠Before long he notices something. Thereâs always a boy and a girl. âHmmmâ¦I wonder where my girl is?â
When Adam learns his need, God knocks him out (itâs a busy first day for Adam), and from some of his own flesh he creates Womanâ¦Eve. For the first time Adam saw something that was like him but wonderfully different. She is the crown of creation. It is then that God in his wisdom gives them to one another. Thankfully, not every marriage comes about that wayâ¦but thereâs the first.
What I want you to see is that Marriage is not our ideaâ¦it is Godâs. It stood before the Church, before Israel, before another single human witness could stand there with it. Creation itself is only five days older than Marriage. Marriage stands ultimately in the presence of God alone. Because of this it is holy and sacred.
What i have decided (for now), is that marriage is essentially vow-making before God. Obviously, the first wedding is not necessarily normative, but i believe it is significant. I also decided that i cannot expect unbelievers to live their lives like believers. They do not accept the rule of God in their lives, and to expect them to do so in order for me to marry them might be similar to blackmail. So i have come to the following conclusions.
I will marry unbelievers if they will accept the following. If they will give me opportunity to teach them what i think are the biblical roles in marriage, how they are to treat one another in a marriage relationship, the salvation story (cleverly starting in the Garden, sometime after their idyllic wedding), and as long as I think they understand that their wedding is a taking of vows before God and man, i will do their wedding. I also demand freedom to perform a Christian wedding, and to declare the gospel message concisely.
I realize that there are potential problems with this position. A primary fear of mine is that I (or the Church...or worse, God) will be seen as endorsing sin (most couples who have come to me to be married were living together...and everyone knew it). I deal with this by making sure the couple knows the truth pertaining to their situation. To those who have been divorced, i make sure they realize that God hates divorce. To those who are having pre-marital relations, i make sure they realize that God designed such activity for within a marriage relationship, and so on. At the same time i try to convey God's love and healing power within a wounded relationship. I am also careful during the homily and the rest of the vow-officiating that i do not speak untruth. I do, however, ask for God's blessing upon them after they have taken their vows. It is my deepest hope that God will indeed bless them. This brings me to my conclusion.
Unfortunately, this sounds a bit pragmatic (but perhaps wisdom is somewhat pragmatic). To my knowledge, couples that i declined to marry went elsewhere (at least they said they were going to). If they don't find what they want at Target, they'll go to Wal-Mart. They are going to pay me for my services, so they keep shopping if i turn them down. I fear that they will end up with some pastor who is like the Ninevites, not knowing his left hand from his right. I also fear that having been stung by the church once, they won't risk a second injury. It is my hope that the Word of Truth will get lodged somewhere in their mind and eventually get enough soil, sun and water to take root. It is my hope that when marital problems (or any of the other guaranteed evils) come, they might think of me. Perhaps i will have a chance to prevent further breaking of Shalom in the future. I guess i'm hoping that time spent with someone who knows and loves God just might make a difference in their lives.
Alright...at some point i have to stop this post...there must be a character limit...what is it Brian, like 2.5 million? Also, i've grown tired. Talking about marrying unbelievers wears me out. However, we want to show them love and compassion, and we must address it. So, i'm hoping that i will get a discussion going. I know i've not brought a tremendous amount of scripture to bear...there is more to say. In Malachi 2, Israel is condemned once for marrying unbelievers, and then a second time for divorcing those wives...thanks a lot Ezra. Also, we probably need to spend more time looking at the words of Jesus and Paul regarding marriage and try to determine what applies to the church and what applies to Israel (oops...did i just reveal my dispensationalism?).
Also, up to this point we have only been talking about the task of marrying non-believers. It seems that there is much to be said regarding the marrying of those who claim Christ as Lord and Savior. However, all i will say for now is that i expect believers to act like believers. Perhaps that will be reserved for a future postâ¦or perhaps as we discuss the topic of marrying those outside the Church, we will be constrained to speak also of those within. Okay, that's all i'm going to say...nothing more...I look forward to helpful criticism and discussion of my post.
to add comments